I am not exaggerating when I say that I've spent 2/3rds of my life dieting.
My entire life I've been the chubby kid. The one who grew out of her clothing too fast. The girl who needed "tall" pants by Middle School. The girl who by the time she was 14 wore a size 11 shoe.
Nothing about me has been small. (except for my self-esteem, but we won't get into that just now.)
When I was a teenager my mother, without fail every January would go on a diet. She would carefully portion out 3 oz of ground beef and put it on a salad. Then she'd do another 3 oz on another salad and give it to me. I was always on the diet with her. "You could stand to lose a few pounds" she'd say.
When I was in high school, I would skip breakfast. This was mostly due to the fact that I never really slept much at night and would constantly be running late to catch my bus to school. I would skip lunch, thinking that if I didn't eat I'd get skinny, like the girl in the video we were shown warning us about eating disorders. I wouldn't be anorexic of course, because I'd still eat dinner at home. But I'd get home and be starving and I'd eat random stuff in the cupboards and dinner as well and then I'd hate myself for it. I did this for all four years of high school.
In college I was too busy to care what I ate. Freshmen 15? Try Freshman 50. By the time I left college a year later, I was a whopping 275 pounds.
From about 2000 to about 2005 a lot of crap happened to me. I'll give you the summary version: Nervous breakdown, injury to my left knee (lateral cartilage tear with kneecap displacement), lost job, got married, both of us jobless, mostly recovered my knee, found job, husband became abusive, got divorced, moved back home with parents. During all the time I'd tried a number of things. Weight Watchers (another post with a rant about that is forthcoming) and their stupid points, support groups, hypnosis...none of it held.
In 2005 I was 340 pounds. I found work in factories and went on Slim-Fast, mostly because it was convenient. I could replace meals with shakes and bars and I would pack myself a balanced lunch to take to work and it did help. I lost 70 pounds before 2005 ended and was back to 270. I worked odd hours and often long hours and my job was my exercise. Sure, I hurt, but it wasn't as bad as it is now, except for the previously injured knee that I had to wear a stabilizing brace for.
In 2006 my life was crazy. I couldn't afford Slim-Fast anymore and my jobs were laying me off left and right. I had a new love in my life, but he was far away. I got kicked out of a loft apartment I was renting and had to move back home (AGAIN) and by the time July rolled around I was once again laid off and frustrated. I was holding steady at 270 lbs but not losing any more.
By August I'd moved two states away, gotten a new job, gotten back into college, and moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.
Things were going okay. I got down to 265 lbs and then I lost my job due to an injury and my employer getting nervous about my knee. I was relegated to a desk job (I was working for a temp agency and their insurance was nervous) and then in 2008 I broke my leg.
By the time I got married in July of 2008, I'd gained back all 70 lbs and then some. I was a bride who weighed in at around 365. I'd tried more meal-replacement bars because I'd discovered that Slim-fast has HFCS in their ready-to-eat/drink products. I'd tried Special K, South Beach. Still couldn't lose any weight.
I cannot look at my wedding photos and not feel ashamed at how gross I look. My friends have described me as happy, glowing, and radiant. I look at them and all I can see is fat, disgusting, and ridiculous.
And of course, I've had more falls, more injury, more illness. I was hospitalized in 2009 twice. Once with dehydration and the other with pneumonia. Both of which knocked me on my butt for weeks with only having enough strength to read a book. Pain became my constant companion somewhere around the end of 2008 and hasn't left me yet. More knee injuries had me barely able to walk with a walker in summer of 2010.
I have since been bullied about doing Weight Watchers at work. (which I can't afford and hate anyway), seen dietitians who made me track everything like eating was now homework and when I didn't have time to do it made me feel ashamed and guilty and like I didn't really want to lose the weight and scared me with "You need to do this now or you are going to die. College can wait."
I saw doctors who told me that the reason I have pain everywhere is because I'm fat. If I got lap-band surgery it would all just go away! Promise! (and how would I afford that, not having had health insurance for 10 years now?) Even though I wasn't eating any more than 1800-2000 calories a day and in too much pain to exercise. I would be sitting at work and have random pain in my arm, or my shoulder. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with pain shooting down my back for no apparent reason when I went to bed with just mild aches. On my best of days I'm a 4 on the 1-10 pain scale. But of course, nothing was wrong with me that dieting and exercise wouldn't fix.
I have since been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explains a lot of the random pain I've had for the last 2 years. Along with the fatigue and brain-fog and other random symptoms.
Then I stepped on the scale on Jan 7th for the first time in 2011 and wanted to die. I was getting worse. I was trying to eat healthy. I was trying to figure out how to exercise with minimal pain that wouldn't leave me broke...and I was getting worse. I weighed 399.
I have since gone back on Slim-Fast. It's not a great option, but it did partially work in the past. Since then I've lost about 14 pounds. (Though according to the doctor's office I've only lost 8.)
I don't have all the answers. I'm just muddling through.
More to come.
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