I decided I needed to do something. Say something. I needed to bring to light the reality that not everyone who is overweight or obese sits around on their fat butts stuffing junk food in their mouths repeatedly. I know there are people out there who do these things. (My ex-husband was one of them) I, however, am not one of them. I'm dealing with real issues and a real life and trying to figure out how to get this weight off without killing myself or injuring myself, or developing an eating disorder in the process.
I need to be accountable about what I do eat. I need to record dinner recipes that worked and ones that flopped. I need to talk about research into low-impact exercise that I can try to do and that won't leave me so poor that we end up homeless.
I need to talk about my issues with the whole obsession with the stupid number on the scale and why I always feel like I'm disgusting and not attractive at all when I have a husband and a dog who love me. I need to come to terms that I spent my formative years with a then-undefined eating disorder, which to this day is still undefined. It's like I was anorexic during the day but bulimic at night without the puking.
I need to change this love-hate relationship I have with myself and my body.
It's a Big Fat Freaking Deal.
So each day I'll post about things happening to me, what I ate, how I'm feeling, and only weekly, I will post my weight.
People are free to read, join, encourage, or share things that may be helpful. Jerks will be given the boot. This is my life and my story and I have no room for trolls. I will share recipes that I'm making that I think are helpful to those who may be struggling similarly to me and remedies that I come up with to deal with the pain.
I will also rant from time to time about the dieting industry and why I think some of it is evil.
But mostly, I will just be myself. If you can deal with that, then welcome. Otherwise, don't let the back button hit you in the butt on the way out.
Showing posts with label intro post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intro post. Show all posts
Friday, January 21, 2011
Intro Post 3 of 4 - My life, in terms of diets
I am not exaggerating when I say that I've spent 2/3rds of my life dieting.
My entire life I've been the chubby kid. The one who grew out of her clothing too fast. The girl who needed "tall" pants by Middle School. The girl who by the time she was 14 wore a size 11 shoe.
Nothing about me has been small. (except for my self-esteem, but we won't get into that just now.)
When I was a teenager my mother, without fail every January would go on a diet. She would carefully portion out 3 oz of ground beef and put it on a salad. Then she'd do another 3 oz on another salad and give it to me. I was always on the diet with her. "You could stand to lose a few pounds" she'd say.
When I was in high school, I would skip breakfast. This was mostly due to the fact that I never really slept much at night and would constantly be running late to catch my bus to school. I would skip lunch, thinking that if I didn't eat I'd get skinny, like the girl in the video we were shown warning us about eating disorders. I wouldn't be anorexic of course, because I'd still eat dinner at home. But I'd get home and be starving and I'd eat random stuff in the cupboards and dinner as well and then I'd hate myself for it. I did this for all four years of high school.
In college I was too busy to care what I ate. Freshmen 15? Try Freshman 50. By the time I left college a year later, I was a whopping 275 pounds.
From about 2000 to about 2005 a lot of crap happened to me. I'll give you the summary version: Nervous breakdown, injury to my left knee (lateral cartilage tear with kneecap displacement), lost job, got married, both of us jobless, mostly recovered my knee, found job, husband became abusive, got divorced, moved back home with parents. During all the time I'd tried a number of things. Weight Watchers (another post with a rant about that is forthcoming) and their stupid points, support groups, hypnosis...none of it held.
In 2005 I was 340 pounds. I found work in factories and went on Slim-Fast, mostly because it was convenient. I could replace meals with shakes and bars and I would pack myself a balanced lunch to take to work and it did help. I lost 70 pounds before 2005 ended and was back to 270. I worked odd hours and often long hours and my job was my exercise. Sure, I hurt, but it wasn't as bad as it is now, except for the previously injured knee that I had to wear a stabilizing brace for.
In 2006 my life was crazy. I couldn't afford Slim-Fast anymore and my jobs were laying me off left and right. I had a new love in my life, but he was far away. I got kicked out of a loft apartment I was renting and had to move back home (AGAIN) and by the time July rolled around I was once again laid off and frustrated. I was holding steady at 270 lbs but not losing any more.
By August I'd moved two states away, gotten a new job, gotten back into college, and moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.
Things were going okay. I got down to 265 lbs and then I lost my job due to an injury and my employer getting nervous about my knee. I was relegated to a desk job (I was working for a temp agency and their insurance was nervous) and then in 2008 I broke my leg.
By the time I got married in July of 2008, I'd gained back all 70 lbs and then some. I was a bride who weighed in at around 365. I'd tried more meal-replacement bars because I'd discovered that Slim-fast has HFCS in their ready-to-eat/drink products. I'd tried Special K, South Beach. Still couldn't lose any weight.
I cannot look at my wedding photos and not feel ashamed at how gross I look. My friends have described me as happy, glowing, and radiant. I look at them and all I can see is fat, disgusting, and ridiculous.
And of course, I've had more falls, more injury, more illness. I was hospitalized in 2009 twice. Once with dehydration and the other with pneumonia. Both of which knocked me on my butt for weeks with only having enough strength to read a book. Pain became my constant companion somewhere around the end of 2008 and hasn't left me yet. More knee injuries had me barely able to walk with a walker in summer of 2010.
I have since been bullied about doing Weight Watchers at work. (which I can't afford and hate anyway), seen dietitians who made me track everything like eating was now homework and when I didn't have time to do it made me feel ashamed and guilty and like I didn't really want to lose the weight and scared me with "You need to do this now or you are going to die. College can wait."
I saw doctors who told me that the reason I have pain everywhere is because I'm fat. If I got lap-band surgery it would all just go away! Promise! (and how would I afford that, not having had health insurance for 10 years now?) Even though I wasn't eating any more than 1800-2000 calories a day and in too much pain to exercise. I would be sitting at work and have random pain in my arm, or my shoulder. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with pain shooting down my back for no apparent reason when I went to bed with just mild aches. On my best of days I'm a 4 on the 1-10 pain scale. But of course, nothing was wrong with me that dieting and exercise wouldn't fix.
I have since been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explains a lot of the random pain I've had for the last 2 years. Along with the fatigue and brain-fog and other random symptoms.
Then I stepped on the scale on Jan 7th for the first time in 2011 and wanted to die. I was getting worse. I was trying to eat healthy. I was trying to figure out how to exercise with minimal pain that wouldn't leave me broke...and I was getting worse. I weighed 399.
I have since gone back on Slim-Fast. It's not a great option, but it did partially work in the past. Since then I've lost about 14 pounds. (Though according to the doctor's office I've only lost 8.)
I don't have all the answers. I'm just muddling through.
More to come.
My entire life I've been the chubby kid. The one who grew out of her clothing too fast. The girl who needed "tall" pants by Middle School. The girl who by the time she was 14 wore a size 11 shoe.
Nothing about me has been small. (except for my self-esteem, but we won't get into that just now.)
When I was a teenager my mother, without fail every January would go on a diet. She would carefully portion out 3 oz of ground beef and put it on a salad. Then she'd do another 3 oz on another salad and give it to me. I was always on the diet with her. "You could stand to lose a few pounds" she'd say.
When I was in high school, I would skip breakfast. This was mostly due to the fact that I never really slept much at night and would constantly be running late to catch my bus to school. I would skip lunch, thinking that if I didn't eat I'd get skinny, like the girl in the video we were shown warning us about eating disorders. I wouldn't be anorexic of course, because I'd still eat dinner at home. But I'd get home and be starving and I'd eat random stuff in the cupboards and dinner as well and then I'd hate myself for it. I did this for all four years of high school.
In college I was too busy to care what I ate. Freshmen 15? Try Freshman 50. By the time I left college a year later, I was a whopping 275 pounds.
From about 2000 to about 2005 a lot of crap happened to me. I'll give you the summary version: Nervous breakdown, injury to my left knee (lateral cartilage tear with kneecap displacement), lost job, got married, both of us jobless, mostly recovered my knee, found job, husband became abusive, got divorced, moved back home with parents. During all the time I'd tried a number of things. Weight Watchers (another post with a rant about that is forthcoming) and their stupid points, support groups, hypnosis...none of it held.
In 2005 I was 340 pounds. I found work in factories and went on Slim-Fast, mostly because it was convenient. I could replace meals with shakes and bars and I would pack myself a balanced lunch to take to work and it did help. I lost 70 pounds before 2005 ended and was back to 270. I worked odd hours and often long hours and my job was my exercise. Sure, I hurt, but it wasn't as bad as it is now, except for the previously injured knee that I had to wear a stabilizing brace for.
In 2006 my life was crazy. I couldn't afford Slim-Fast anymore and my jobs were laying me off left and right. I had a new love in my life, but he was far away. I got kicked out of a loft apartment I was renting and had to move back home (AGAIN) and by the time July rolled around I was once again laid off and frustrated. I was holding steady at 270 lbs but not losing any more.
By August I'd moved two states away, gotten a new job, gotten back into college, and moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.
Things were going okay. I got down to 265 lbs and then I lost my job due to an injury and my employer getting nervous about my knee. I was relegated to a desk job (I was working for a temp agency and their insurance was nervous) and then in 2008 I broke my leg.
By the time I got married in July of 2008, I'd gained back all 70 lbs and then some. I was a bride who weighed in at around 365. I'd tried more meal-replacement bars because I'd discovered that Slim-fast has HFCS in their ready-to-eat/drink products. I'd tried Special K, South Beach. Still couldn't lose any weight.
I cannot look at my wedding photos and not feel ashamed at how gross I look. My friends have described me as happy, glowing, and radiant. I look at them and all I can see is fat, disgusting, and ridiculous.
And of course, I've had more falls, more injury, more illness. I was hospitalized in 2009 twice. Once with dehydration and the other with pneumonia. Both of which knocked me on my butt for weeks with only having enough strength to read a book. Pain became my constant companion somewhere around the end of 2008 and hasn't left me yet. More knee injuries had me barely able to walk with a walker in summer of 2010.
I have since been bullied about doing Weight Watchers at work. (which I can't afford and hate anyway), seen dietitians who made me track everything like eating was now homework and when I didn't have time to do it made me feel ashamed and guilty and like I didn't really want to lose the weight and scared me with "You need to do this now or you are going to die. College can wait."
I saw doctors who told me that the reason I have pain everywhere is because I'm fat. If I got lap-band surgery it would all just go away! Promise! (and how would I afford that, not having had health insurance for 10 years now?) Even though I wasn't eating any more than 1800-2000 calories a day and in too much pain to exercise. I would be sitting at work and have random pain in my arm, or my shoulder. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with pain shooting down my back for no apparent reason when I went to bed with just mild aches. On my best of days I'm a 4 on the 1-10 pain scale. But of course, nothing was wrong with me that dieting and exercise wouldn't fix.
I have since been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explains a lot of the random pain I've had for the last 2 years. Along with the fatigue and brain-fog and other random symptoms.
Then I stepped on the scale on Jan 7th for the first time in 2011 and wanted to die. I was getting worse. I was trying to eat healthy. I was trying to figure out how to exercise with minimal pain that wouldn't leave me broke...and I was getting worse. I weighed 399.
I have since gone back on Slim-Fast. It's not a great option, but it did partially work in the past. Since then I've lost about 14 pounds. (Though according to the doctor's office I've only lost 8.)
I don't have all the answers. I'm just muddling through.
More to come.
Intro Post 2 of 4 - An Exercise in Futility
I know I'm not alone when I do this, but lately I've been feeling guilty when I go past the sporting-goods and workouts aisle of our local mega-store.
I know I should go and spend a bunch of money on equipment and use it and finally get thin. That if I had any worth at all, I'd do this and I'd have no trouble doing it. But I can't even bring myself to put a workout DVD into my cart because I know I'd just be wasting money.
It's a constant joke right? You buy a treadmill in January, determined to use it every day and get those pesky pounds gone and by March it's a clothes rack.
In my case it's not because I don't want to exercise. It's not because I'm embarrassed to be seen in a gym or at a pool. Screw other people. If they think it's so horrible, they can turn their head and not look at me. I'm not going to become home-bound just becuase I'm fat.
I can't afford to join a gym. Even if I did, all I'd really be able to do without pain is pedal a stationary bike. That would get boring real fast. If the gym had a pool as well, that might be different, but then cost is the biggest obsticle here.
I'm not exaggerating though when I say that other than swimming/water exercises and a stationary bike, I cannot exercise. Why? Because it HURTS. I walk for half of a mile (with or without Ranger) and I can barely make it back home for the pain. Jumping around to some stupid aerobics video (fronted by someone who looks like she could stand to gain a few pounds of course...)? With my arthritic knees? Forget about it. Most days I'm in too much pain to even clean my damn house, let alone stand in my living room for 10, 20, 30, or more minutes jumping around looking like an elephant with a seizure disorder.
And I can just imagine those who are personal trainers who read this and go "But if you exercise more it will hurt less!"
Sorry to say, but I tried that. Doesn't work. I did walking nearly every evening for two weeks with my dog in the summer and after that I just couldn't put myself through the pain any longer. It wasn't getting any easier.
And honestly, who can try to do something every day that puts you in enough pain that you want to cry? (rated 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale)
I don't know if anyone is reading this and I don't know if any readers are the sort that like pain...I can only speak for myself. I dislike pain. Very much dislike.
So I need to do something about the pain. Or I need to ride a stationary bike, or swim. Maybe once I can afford to do that, I'll look at that. Or maybe I can find another option? I'm still looking.
I know I should go and spend a bunch of money on equipment and use it and finally get thin. That if I had any worth at all, I'd do this and I'd have no trouble doing it. But I can't even bring myself to put a workout DVD into my cart because I know I'd just be wasting money.
It's a constant joke right? You buy a treadmill in January, determined to use it every day and get those pesky pounds gone and by March it's a clothes rack.
In my case it's not because I don't want to exercise. It's not because I'm embarrassed to be seen in a gym or at a pool. Screw other people. If they think it's so horrible, they can turn their head and not look at me. I'm not going to become home-bound just becuase I'm fat.
I can't afford to join a gym. Even if I did, all I'd really be able to do without pain is pedal a stationary bike. That would get boring real fast. If the gym had a pool as well, that might be different, but then cost is the biggest obsticle here.
I'm not exaggerating though when I say that other than swimming/water exercises and a stationary bike, I cannot exercise. Why? Because it HURTS. I walk for half of a mile (with or without Ranger) and I can barely make it back home for the pain. Jumping around to some stupid aerobics video (fronted by someone who looks like she could stand to gain a few pounds of course...)? With my arthritic knees? Forget about it. Most days I'm in too much pain to even clean my damn house, let alone stand in my living room for 10, 20, 30, or more minutes jumping around looking like an elephant with a seizure disorder.
And I can just imagine those who are personal trainers who read this and go "But if you exercise more it will hurt less!"
Sorry to say, but I tried that. Doesn't work. I did walking nearly every evening for two weeks with my dog in the summer and after that I just couldn't put myself through the pain any longer. It wasn't getting any easier.
And honestly, who can try to do something every day that puts you in enough pain that you want to cry? (rated 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale)
I don't know if anyone is reading this and I don't know if any readers are the sort that like pain...I can only speak for myself. I dislike pain. Very much dislike.
So I need to do something about the pain. Or I need to ride a stationary bike, or swim. Maybe once I can afford to do that, I'll look at that. Or maybe I can find another option? I'm still looking.
Intro Post 1 of 4 - Just who is this chick anyway?
Hi. My name is Jenni and like most American women, I have a weight problem.
(Hi Jenni)
Now when I say "Weight problem" I don't just mean that they're overweight, obese or need to lose weight. We are a country, a society, obsessed with a number on the scale.
This is not always a healthy thing. I have a problem with equating my self worth to the number in that the smaller the number is, the more worth I have as a person. I also am obese.
At 8pm on Friday January 7th I weighed myself. 399 pounds. I wanted to die.
This morning I weighed in two weeks later at 385.
I'm trying to diet. I will get into more on that in another post. I really cannot exercise right now. I'll get into that more in another post.
I turned 30 years old on Jan 14th. I'm married for the second time to a man I love dearly and who doesn't have a weight problem. I have no kids. I'm childfree. This does not mean that I hate children or that I even dislike moms. Moms are free to read here and I don't trash families here. I just state this because my weight isn't related to pregnancy. I have never been pregnant and wish to NEVER be so.
That said, my "baby" of sorts is a 17 month old black Labrador Retriever named Ranger.
This was taken about a year ago. Isn't he just adorable?
I work part-time at a desk job. I work part time becuase I've been going to school until recently. I received an A.A.S in Digital Media from Parkland College in 2009 and started a B.S. in Web Development with Franklin University. Sadly, my health hasn't allowed me to keep pace with an online-only learning environment so I'm currently trying to get into a different school.
This process has been stressful, but I'm still trying.
I have a number of health issues that I deal with on a daily basis. Among them are:
Aside from all that, I'm a geek. I love computers and the interwebs. I love video games, movies, Weird Al Yankovic music, and playing games on Facebook.
I've been heavy all my life and I fear I will never get to a "normal" weight.
More to come in Part 2.
(Hi Jenni)
Now when I say "Weight problem" I don't just mean that they're overweight, obese or need to lose weight. We are a country, a society, obsessed with a number on the scale.
This is not always a healthy thing. I have a problem with equating my self worth to the number in that the smaller the number is, the more worth I have as a person. I also am obese.
At 8pm on Friday January 7th I weighed myself. 399 pounds. I wanted to die.
This morning I weighed in two weeks later at 385.
I'm trying to diet. I will get into more on that in another post. I really cannot exercise right now. I'll get into that more in another post.
I turned 30 years old on Jan 14th. I'm married for the second time to a man I love dearly and who doesn't have a weight problem. I have no kids. I'm childfree. This does not mean that I hate children or that I even dislike moms. Moms are free to read here and I don't trash families here. I just state this because my weight isn't related to pregnancy. I have never been pregnant and wish to NEVER be so.
That said, my "baby" of sorts is a 17 month old black Labrador Retriever named Ranger.
This was taken about a year ago. Isn't he just adorable?
I work part-time at a desk job. I work part time becuase I've been going to school until recently. I received an A.A.S in Digital Media from Parkland College in 2009 and started a B.S. in Web Development with Franklin University. Sadly, my health hasn't allowed me to keep pace with an online-only learning environment so I'm currently trying to get into a different school.
This process has been stressful, but I'm still trying.
I have a number of health issues that I deal with on a daily basis. Among them are:
- Osteoarthritis
- PTSD with Adjustment Disorder
- Fibromyalgia
- Hypertension
- Sleep Apnea
- Acid Reflux
Aside from all that, I'm a geek. I love computers and the interwebs. I love video games, movies, Weird Al Yankovic music, and playing games on Facebook.
I've been heavy all my life and I fear I will never get to a "normal" weight.
More to come in Part 2.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)