Daily Post - Jan 27 2011 - College applications are rough

Weight –381.8 I went back up.  NOT Happy about any of that.
Mood –Started out tired.  Was tired and drained most of the day and then went straight to frustration and desperation.
Pain Level -Really not bad today.  Had some aches which brought my level up to 5 in the afternoon but it quieted down by the time I got home.

Breakfast –Meijer - Unsweetened Applesauce Cups, 4 -oz cup   
Slim Fast - 3-2-1 - Chewy Chocolate Crisp Meal Bar, 1 bar

Snack1 -Ate breakfast too late in the morning so I didn't eat a snack before lunch

Lunch -Slim Fast 3 2 1 - Chocolate Peanut Caramel Meal Bar, 1 bar   
Meijer - Unsweetened Applesauce Cups, 4 -oz cup   
Doritos - Nacho Cheese Chips 1.75oz, 1.75 oz (49.6)

Snack2 -Aqua Full - Berry Bliss, 1 Pouch

Dinner -Chicken alphabet soup, 2 serving(s)    

Dessert – Meijer - Unsweetened Applesauce Cups, 4 -oz cup 

Drinks -2 liters of faux tea, the water with the Aqua Full and another tall glass of faux tea which I think was 24 oz.

Exercise -No, I felt like crap most of the day and just wasn't up to it.

Vitamin taken? -I will do it after this post.  I always forget.

Meds taken? -yes, with the usual exclusions right now.  I cannot wait until I can get my meds filled tomorrow.

Today has been a load of stress and annoyance.  Between stress at my job, stress over some upcoming events (that are too complicated to get into right now), and stress over my application to Illinois State University, *tries not to tear hair out* yeah....It's a miracle that I haven't had to be taken away in the damn straight jacket tonight. 

The biggest problem with this application?  I have to write a personal academic statement.  500 or so word of me trying to sell myself to the school.  Yeah, I have had low self-esteem my entire damn life.  I HATE writing about myself that isn't journaling or blogging to the point where I don't have to impress anyone.  Thankfully, I have a few friends on Facbook who are willing to help me edit/revise so that it doesn't read like complete drivel. 

Hopefully I'll have the application submitted tomorrow.  Then, comes the waiting.

Dinner tonight was a basic crockpot chicken soup.  Frozen veggies + chicken I snipped into smaller peices with kitchen scissors, + canned fat-free low sodium chicken broth + spices cooked on low all day.  An hour before serving I dumped in half a box of alphabet pasta.  Yummy, simple and filling which was what I needed.

Also a note about the damn doritos I ate.  I needed something salty. The really annoying thing about slim-fast is that it's all sweet.  There is no salty/savory in it except what you have for dinner or snacks.  It was getting to me and the vending machine at work was empty of most things except those, potato chips and candy bars.  I find myself wondering when the sun chips and baked lays are coming back. 

Oh, hello there virus.

And not the computer kind.  Those are easier to deal with.

I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed over.  I think I'm coming down with a flu-like virus.  This happens to me probably once every couple of months.

And of course since I work part time, I have no sick days.  I can't just stay home and try to get over it.  I still need to get myself showered, dressed and to work.  Then I need to work for 5 hours.  Then I need to come home and try not to crash again like I did yesterday.

I wonder if my extreme hunger and over-eating was a sign of this coming.  I've heard that if you're sick, your body demands extra food to deal with the illness.  Or maybe I'm just a weak person.  Who knows?  All I know is I stepped on the scale this morning and I'd gained a pound and a half.  UGH.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like a failure. I hate the fact that despite my best efforts I always end up feeling like a slave to the regimen but without the regimen, nothing changes except my weight going up.

*sigh*

Intro Post 2 of 4 - An Exercise in Futility

I know I'm not alone when I do this, but lately I've been feeling guilty when I go past the sporting-goods and workouts aisle of our local mega-store.

I know I should go and spend a bunch of money on equipment and use it and finally get thin.  That if I had any worth at all, I'd do this and I'd have no trouble doing it.  But I can't even bring myself to put a workout DVD into my cart because I know I'd just be wasting money.

It's a constant joke right?  You buy a treadmill in January, determined to use it every day and get those pesky pounds gone and by March it's a clothes rack.

In my case it's not because I don't want to exercise.  It's not because I'm embarrassed to be seen in a gym or at a pool.  Screw other people.  If they think it's so horrible, they can turn their head and not look at me.  I'm not going to become home-bound just becuase I'm fat.

I can't afford to join a gym.  Even if I did, all I'd really be able to do without pain is pedal a stationary bike.  That would get boring real fast.  If the gym had a pool as well, that might be different, but then cost is the biggest obsticle here.

I'm not exaggerating though when I say that other than swimming/water exercises and a stationary bike, I cannot exercise.  Why?  Because it HURTS.  I walk for half of a mile (with or without Ranger) and I can barely make it back home for the pain.  Jumping around to some stupid aerobics video (fronted by someone who looks like she could stand to gain a few pounds of course...)? With my arthritic knees? Forget about it.  Most days I'm in too much pain to even clean my damn house, let alone stand in my living room for 10, 20, 30, or more minutes jumping around looking like an elephant with a seizure disorder.

And I can just imagine those who are personal trainers who read this and go "But if you exercise more it will hurt less!"

Sorry to say, but I tried that.  Doesn't work.  I did walking nearly every evening for two weeks with my dog in the summer and after that I just couldn't put myself through the pain any longer.  It wasn't getting any easier.

And honestly, who can try to do something every day that puts you in enough pain that you want to cry? (rated 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale)

I don't know if anyone is reading this and I don't know if any readers are the sort that like pain...I can only speak for myself.  I dislike pain.  Very much dislike.

So I need to do something about the pain. Or I need to ride a stationary bike, or swim.  Maybe once I can afford to do that, I'll look at that.  Or maybe I can find another option?  I'm still looking.