Daily Post - Jan 24 2011

Weight –381.6 Creeping ever downward
Mood –Annoyed that it's Monday, burned out from work, worried about hubby's back.
Pain Level -Surprisingly not high today.  Woke up around a 5 but that was due to soreness possibly from doing yoga yesterday. 

Breakfast 

Silk Soy Milk - Light Chocolate, 1.5 cup

Slim Fast 3-2-1 - Milk Chocolate Powder, 1 scoop

Red Grapes - Red Seedless Grapes, 1 cup (151g) 

Snack1

Slim Fast - 3-2-1 Double-Dutch Chocolate Snack Bar, 1 Bar 

Lunch

Slim Fast 3 2 1 - Chocolate Peanut Caramel Meal Bar, 1 bar

Red Grapes - Red Seedless Grapes, 1 cup (151g) 

Snack2

Quaker True Delights - Cafe Squares Raspberry Mocha With Chocolatey Drizzle, 1 bar

Dinner

Chicken Fajita in Crock pot, 2 serving(s)

Meijer - Soft Taco Size Flour Tortilla, 2 Tortilla

Aldi Foods - Happy Farms Finely Shredded Mexican Style Four Cheese, 1/4 cup 

Dessert

Dole - Fruit Crisp - Apple Cinnamon, 1 container 

Drinks -3 liters of water, 2 with crystal-light faux tea and 1 with wal-mart-brand crystal-light knockoff (grape flavor) drink mix stick.

Exercise -10 minutes of standing yoga poses.  Started tinkering with a sitting/laying program for about 5 minutes that I hope to incorporate over the next week or so.

Vitamin taken?  *sigh* Not yet.  Will take soon.

Meds taken? Yes.  But still no BP or muscle relaxer.

This diet stuff is hard work.  Temptation has been high today.  Been worried about hubby's back (he's still having pain and spasms.  I told him to take a day off and rest, it's not like he couldn't have gotten a sub and it's not like he doesn't have time off allotted so does he listen to me? Noooo.. He has to be a typical male and soldier on anyway...*sigh*) Work has had me a bit stressed (what new?) and I still haven't had time to get my nails done.  Bleh. 

Tonight's dinner was crockpot fajitas (Yet another link from the awesome blog "A Year of Slow Cooking") and instead of using beef I used 1.5 pounds of chicken and 1/2 of each of a red, orange, and yellow bell pepper that I'd had from previous weeks and had cut into strips and put in a freezer bag and had in the freezer.  I also added 1/2 of a red onion (I dislike white and yellow onions), and I used chicken broth instead of water.  I made my own seasoning mix from paprika, garlic powder, cumin, and black pepper.  I refuse to use pre-made seasoning mixes because they are WAY too high in sodium. I have a really awesome spice cabinet with LOTS of spices and I make my own salt-free blends.  If you're not like me and can handle some heat, throw in some hotter spices like Cayenne pepper or crushed red pepper.  Me? I can barely handle mild salsa, so I'll pass.

The biggest problem with making crockpot fajitas is that you almost always end up with too much liquid.  To solve this little problem, I cleaned up my wok (which is kind of my all-purpose sautee and frying pan since we don't have many pans) and dumped the contents of the crock into the pan and simmered it on high heat until all the liquid cooked away.  It was a bit more work, but it was better than wasting food.  I measured 1/4th cup of cheese and used two of the soft-taco sized tortillas (too small!) but even after that I'm still hungry.  This is annoying.  I haven't actually eaten today's dessert yet and I'm considering eating it after I make this post.  Hopefully that and more water will shut my stomach up.

I'm liking the yoga app I have on my iPhone, though I had some issues with getting my own music to play on it.  I think I'm going to do a bit more tweaking with the programs I'm making but I think by next Monday I should have a good routine going.  My hope is that by the end of February, I'll be doing 10 minutes in the morning and 15-20 minutes in the evening.  Standing poses in the morning to get the blood flowing and sitting/laying poses in the evening to calm my butt down.  Though I need to remember that when I'm doing the evening routine I need to find a way to occupy Ranger so he doesn't sit on my iphone and block my view of the pose routine.  (goofy dog.)

Tomorrow is my typical Tuesday day off of work.  I WILL get my nails done tomorrow dangit!

Daily Post - Jan 23 2011

Weight –382.2 Whoo! Progress

Mood –Worried mostly.  See day description for more details

Pain Level -started okay at a 4, stayed there most of the day except for a slight spike to a 6 when making Dinner.  It's slowly coming back down.

Breakfast –
Del Monte - Mandarin Orange Slices in Light Syrup, 1 container
Slim Fast 3-2-1 - Milk Chocolate Powder, 1 scoop
Silk Soy Milk - Light Chocolate, 1.5 cup 

Snack1 -
Del Monte - Mandarin Orange Slices In Light Syrup, 1 container 

Lunch -
Slim Fast 3 2 1 - Chocolate Peanut Caramel Meal Bar, 1 bar
Red Grapes - Red Seedless Grapes, 1 cup (151g)

Snack2 -
Slim Fast - 3-2-1 Double-Dutch Chocolate Snack Bar, 1 Bar
 
Dinner -
Shepherd's Pie, 3 serving(s) (*insert sigh of frustration here*)

Dessert – None today since I ate way too much at Dinner
 
Drinks -2 liters of crystal lite faux tea

Exercise -7 minutes of yoga (standing stretch poses only), 90 minutes of walking around while I was doing grocery shopping.  (That counts doesn't it?)

Vitamin taken? Damnit.  I guess I'll go take it once I'm done with this post.

Meds taken? Yes, except for the ones I haven't gotten yet (BP refill and muscle relaxer)

Today was a stressful day.  Got up earlier than yesterday but by the time I was up and trying to move, my husband had somehow wrenched his back and was dealing with a muscle strain.  He's been laying down on the couch all day since due to pain.  Seeing as how I've got Fibro, I'm not going to bitch.  He's getting a taste of what I deal with every goddamn day.  I've been worried though, since a lot of the time it seems that my husband (who is usually in very good health) never has anything wrong so I'm not used to playing nursemaid and I tend to over-fuss.  I'm a worry-wart.  I come by it naturally.

I used my new yoga app to make a 20 minute program and tried to do it.  I got 7 minutes in and my body went "OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH WOMAN."  Was a little disappointed in myself and mentioned as much on FB but my friends were quick to point out that starting slow isn't exactly a bad idea given my health.

I have since tweaked the program down to a 10-minute standing routine designed to get me awake and moving in the morning.  I'll be creating a sitting/laying routine that's about the same length for the evening.

Then there was grocery shopping to be done.  90 minutes of wandering around the store making sure I got everything I needed and didn't over spend.  I consider that exercise.

I was going to get my nails done today since I have a gift-certificate from one of my managers for one of the local nail salons, but with hubby in pain and an 80 pound bundle of black fur and energy left with him, I decided it's probably better to do it another day.  I'll likely go in on Tuesday since it's my day off.

I got home and started dinner.  Shepherds pie which is pretty simple.  Ground Angus beef (which I got as part of a 5 for 19.95 mix/match deal at County Market) with some frozen veggies, (a mix of carrots, green beans, red pepper, and broccoli) tossed in.  Then I mixed in a can of no-salt-added tomato paste from Meijer, some dehydrated onion, paprkia, garlic, black pepper, and dill and let it all mix and heat until the veggies were tender and the meat cooked through.  I then spread the meat/veg mixture into a 9X13 pan, topped it with 1/2C of shredded cheese (I used up the pizza blend we had and used a bit of a Mexican blend. It was a 1/2C all together.) and spread some prepared instant mashed potatoes on top (Roasted Garlic flavor from Aldi)

Then I popped that into a 350 degree F oven for 45 minutes until the potatoes on top were browned and formed a slight crust.

It was very yummy, but one of the higher calorie dishes I make.  It was strictly put up as comfort food for the weekend since I'd had a stressful week overall.  I was really hungry though, and I ate too much. I should have stopped at 2 pieces.  As a consequence, I decided to forgo dessert.  (Another one of those Dole Fruit Crisp things.  Those are GOOD.)

I'm in the process of getting things around for tomorrow.  I've already set out my clothes and will pack my lunch and snacks that I take to work.  I will need to get up early enough to set up the crockpot fajitas, try to do the Yoga thing, and then shower & dress for work. 

Going to try to go to bed semi-early.  I should at least be in bed by 10pm.  We'll see how well this goes.  I need to make sure the husbandly one is all right in the bed before I'll be able to sleep.

Goodnight Interwebs.

Why I hate Weight Watchers

I will never ever take part in Weight Watchers ever again. I consider it a weight-loss cult that does nothing but bring people down.

I have my reasons for this, I will explain them thus.

My first experience with WW was during my teens when my mother joined up. She attended meetings for all of 4 weeks before she decided she was too tired to go to them. However, during that 4 weeks, I learned quite a bit.

I learned that if women are good, they will track every single thing they eat. They will lose weight every week and if they don't, they have been bad and should be looked upon with shame.

I learned that a goal weight is flexible and always flexible downward. If you start with a goal weight of 130 pounds a few weeks later it becomes 125, then 120, then 115. One of the women attending had been with the program for 5 years and was only “five pounds away from her goal weight!” She looked anorexic.

I looked over all the printed information that was given. It was a lot. And of course, you didn't get it all at once, you got it bit by bit. It wasn't until later after my mother had stopped going that I realized that not only did women get together (because it was always all women) once a week to pry into others progress, or lack thereof, but they paid good money (and not a small amount either) to take this bullshit.

I was forced onto the program about a decade later by my ex-mother-in-law when she and my ex-husband decided they were going to do the program. By this point the whole “points” thing had started and it was even more confusing than just counting calories. It was supposed to be simpler, but in reality it wasn't. At least calories and fat and stuff is ON THE DAMN LABEL. You had to “calculate” or “look up” point values. What a fucking joke.

And of course, there were the meetings. I was forced into attending the first five and then I told my then-husband that if he made me go to another one I'd kill myself. After listening to a “motivational talk” by a woman similar to the one I'd met in my teens who had been on the program for years but was still on her “last 5 pounds” but looked emaciated, I wanted to bolt from the room. I wanted to scream at the woman that she looked just fine and that she should stop worrying about the last goddamn five pounds and concentrate on maintenance. But of course, I couldn't make a scene like that when all the women around me were eating it up and making encouraging comments and saying that they hoped they could stay determined like her.

It didn't help that at the start of this stupid affair I'd been weighed and I didn't lose a goddamn ounce. I'd followed the stupid plan perfectly, ate exactly in-between my min/max points and exercised, and I hadn't lost a damn ounce. The woman running the scale gave me a pitiful look. “It's not good to lie about your eating.” She said to me with the tone that a parent uses to gently scold a 5-year-old for some minor offense. My mother-in-law turned red with embarrassment and scolded me all the way home for “eating on the sly”.

I got into a fight that night with my ex-husband. I told him I'd follow the program and weigh myself at home. I'd keep a journal of what I ate and the point values but I refused to go to another goddamn meeting. He reluctantly agreed, but I got to hear every week about how “concerned” the leader of the group was about my “initial falling off the wagon”.

Is this typical of a WW group? GOD I HOPE NOT. But these two experiences have made me want to stay the hell away from anything related to the program for the rest of my life.

Okay. Really going to bed now. Honest.

Daily Post - Jan 22 2011

Weight – 385.2 lbs Wow, I lost .4 of a pound. *sarcasm* Wow I'm moving right along. *grumble*
Mood – Woke up feeling crabby and spent a good portion of the day napping and generally being a lazy-ass.
Pain Level - Started out at 6 when I woke up which probably contributed to the crabby mood. After the long nap through most of the afternoon, it dropped down to 4.

Breakfast – Slim fast shake made with 1 scoop powder and 8 oz light chocolate soy milk (Silk brand), 1 small ready-to-eat container of unsweetened applesauce.
Lunch - Slim fast shake made with 1 scoop powder and 12 oz light chocolate soy milk (Silk brand), 1 small ready-to-eat container of unsweetened applesauce.
Dinner - 2 servings of taco soup* re-heated from freezer with about a half-cup of oyster crackers

Snacks – 1 slim fast snack bar, 2 raspberry mocha cafe squares, 1 small ready-to-eat container of unsweetened applesauce

Dessert – Dole (not Del Monte as I thought yesterday) Apple Cinnamon Fruit Crisp cup
Drinks - close to 4 liters of water. Some with Aqua-full and most with crystal-light fake tea with lemon

Exercise - None :( Too cold and in too much pain. Also, too freaking tired.

Vitamin taken? No, forgot again.

Meds taken? Mostly. I took everything but my BP med and the new muscle relaxer because I found out this morning that we cannot afford to pick them up until I get paid on the 28^th. *head desk*

Let's face it. Today sucked. I woke up late, was cranky, hadn't lost any real weight to speak of, was so tired I fell back to sleep for a good 3 hours and then spent the rest of the day either doodling around on my iphone or playing Final Fantasy 13. I've been depressed, though I feel okay now. Managed to keep calorie consumption to 1748-ish calories. Just under 1800.

*EDIT: Forgot to link the recipe that inspired dinner.  Sometime last week or the week before I made taco soup based off of this recipe from the blog A Year of Slow Cooking which is totally awesome and everyone who owns a crock pot needs to look at this blog.  (And if you don't own a crock pot, you should. And then you should read this blog.)  I made a few tweaks.  I used frozen corn instead of canned (lower in sodium since I'm hypertensive), and I used a mix of random dried beans we had in the house. (Trying to use them up.) and I used mild organic salsa instead of the canned tomatoes.  It turned out really well but was more like a stew than a soup becuase the beans soaked up almost all the broth.  Whoops.  It was still good though.  It's very filling.

I did some looking around the App Store and I found a Yoga-pose app that allows you to make your own program of poses with as many as you want. I may try to play with this and see if I can start doing some of the poses that don't require kneeling or standing on one leg.

Edit: I should add that I've been using the app MyFitnessPal on my iPhone to track my calorie intake.  You can make a profile online at http://www.myfitnesspal.com and if you download the app (The app is free for iPhone and iPod touch) and sign in with your profile any data you enter on the mobile device will sync with your account. (as long as you can connect to the net.) One of these days I'll write a post about the various food-tracking apps I've tried and how I feel they are helpful and not-so-helpful.

Going to bed now.  Goodnight.

Daily Post - Jan 21 2011

Weight - 385.6 lbs
Mood - Cranky/Frustrated
Pain Level - Started out at 4 went up to 6 at work, then died down before coming home and now has gone up to 7.

Breakfast - Slim Fast Meal bar, 2 clementine tangerines
Lunch - Slim Fast Meal bar, 2 clementine tangerines
Dinner - Beef Ravioli (from a bag, frozen) cooked in a red sauce made from No-Salt-Added tomato sauce, spices, and spinach (from a bag, frozen) topped with shredded cheese - 2 small bowls
Snacks - 2 Slim-fast snack bars, 1 Quaker Oats Cafe Squares mocha raspberry square, 2 clementine tangerines (using up the last of those - they were going bad)
Dessert - One of those DelMonte fruit cobbler things.
Drinks - 3 liters of water - 1 mixed with a packet of Aqua-Full and 2 mixed with wal-mart brand, grape-flavored, crystal-light knockoff drink sticks.

Exercise - None :( Too cold and in too much pain.

Vitamin taken? No.  I forgot.

Meds taken? Yes. except for BP med,  I still need to get my refill from the pharmacy.  I also need to get the muscle relaxer I've been prescribed.

Dinner tonight was a total bleh.  The cheese was overcooked, the pasta was fine, the spinach tasted faintly like dirt.  Blech.  At least the sauce was good.

Tonight I saw something on Twitter that bothered me.  It was a re-tweet by someone and the re-tweeter is a friend of mine who is a personal trainer.  It read:

"89.7% of people in the U.S. describe their diet as healthy; close to two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese #FoodForThought"

Oh really now.  I don't think my diet is terribly un-healthy.  What you see above is pretty much what I've been eating all week this week and half of last week.  True, I did eat a lot of decadent stuff on the 14th and 15th, but I was celebrating my birthday.  It's not an every-day thing.  I just HATE this notion that everyone who is obese eats nothing but junk all day, every day and it's their own fault they are fat.

I feel like I'm trying for nothing.  Like I could eat nothing at all, still be fat, and it'd still be my fault.  How can you eat less than nothing?  As if eating is really the only problem.  I know it's not.

According to most people I talk to who aren't fat, I need to eat next to nothing and I need to workout for 2 hours every day right? I don't even know anymore.  And don't even get me started on stupid weight loss tips in magazines.

Tangent mode: WTF is up with magazines geared at women 25 and up? It's like here! We have THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT-LOSS ANSWER! HOW TO FINALLY STOP BEING A FAT LOSER! JUST BUY ME! and then also on the cover is MAKE THIS TOTALLY FAT-AND-CALORIE-LADEN DESSERT OR YOU ARE A TOTAL LOSER OF A HOMEMAKER/MOM/WIFE/WHATEVER.

I swear, this is why I don't read this crap.  But I still see it every time I go to the goddamn grocery store.

Or maybe I just have issues.  This is probably it.

Saw my counselor today.  Talked about various stuff that's stressing me out (work, trying to get into the new college, etc) How can I write an academic personal statement if I can't even diet?

I need to go to bed.

Intro Post 4 of 4 - Why I created this blog and rambled at you thus far.

I decided I needed to do something.  Say something.  I needed to bring to light the reality that not everyone who is overweight or obese sits around on their fat butts stuffing junk food in their mouths repeatedly.  I know there are people out there who do these things.  (My ex-husband was one of them) I, however, am not one of them.  I'm dealing with real issues and a real life and trying to figure out how to get this weight off without killing myself or injuring myself, or developing an eating disorder in the process. 

I need to be accountable about what I do eat.  I need to record dinner recipes that worked and ones that flopped.  I need to talk about research into low-impact exercise that I can try to do and that won't leave me so poor that we end up homeless. 

I need to talk about my issues with the whole obsession with the stupid number on the scale and why I always feel like I'm disgusting and not attractive at all when I have a husband and a dog who love me.  I need to come to terms that I spent my formative years with a then-undefined eating disorder, which to this day is still undefined.  It's like I was anorexic during the day but bulimic at night without the puking.

I need to change this love-hate relationship I have with myself and my body.

It's a Big Fat Freaking Deal.

So each day I'll post about things happening to me, what I ate, how I'm feeling, and only weekly, I will post my weight.

People are free to read, join, encourage, or share things that may be helpful.  Jerks will be given the boot.  This is my life and my story and I have no room for trolls.  I will share recipes that I'm making that I think are helpful to those who may be struggling similarly to me and remedies that I come up with to deal with the pain.

I will also rant from time to time about the dieting industry and why I think some of it is evil.

But mostly, I will just be myself.  If you can deal with that, then welcome.  Otherwise, don't let the back button hit you in the butt on the way out.

Intro Post 3 of 4 - My life, in terms of diets

I am not exaggerating when I say that I've spent 2/3rds of my life dieting.

My entire life I've been the chubby kid.  The one who grew out of her clothing too fast.  The girl who needed "tall" pants by Middle School.  The girl who by the time she was 14 wore a size 11 shoe.

Nothing about me has been small.  (except for my self-esteem, but we won't get into that just now.)

When I was a teenager my mother, without fail every January would go on a diet.  She would carefully portion out 3 oz of ground beef and put it on a salad.  Then she'd do another 3 oz on another salad and give it to me.  I was always on the diet with her.  "You could stand to lose a few pounds" she'd say.

When I was in high school, I would skip breakfast.  This was mostly due to the fact that I never really slept much at night and would constantly be running late to catch my bus to school.  I would skip lunch, thinking that if I didn't eat I'd get skinny, like the girl in the video we were shown warning us about eating disorders.  I wouldn't be anorexic of course, because I'd still eat dinner at home.  But I'd get home and be starving and I'd eat random stuff in the cupboards and dinner as well and then I'd hate myself for it.  I did this for all four years of high school.

In college I was too busy to care what I ate.  Freshmen 15?  Try Freshman 50.  By the time I left college a year later, I was a whopping 275 pounds.

From about 2000 to about 2005 a lot of crap happened to me.  I'll give you the summary version: Nervous breakdown, injury to my left knee (lateral cartilage tear with kneecap displacement), lost job, got married, both of us jobless, mostly recovered my knee, found job, husband became abusive, got divorced, moved back home with parents.  During all the time I'd tried a number of things.  Weight Watchers (another post with a rant about that is forthcoming) and their stupid points, support groups, hypnosis...none of it held.

In 2005 I was 340 pounds.  I found work in factories and went on Slim-Fast, mostly because it was convenient.  I could replace meals with shakes and bars and I would pack myself a balanced lunch to take to work and it did help.  I lost 70 pounds before 2005 ended and was back to 270.  I worked odd hours and often long hours and my job was my exercise.  Sure, I hurt, but it wasn't as bad as it is now, except for the previously injured knee that I had to wear a stabilizing brace for.

In 2006 my life was crazy.  I couldn't afford Slim-Fast anymore and my jobs were laying me off left and right.  I had a new love in my life, but he was far away.  I got kicked out of a loft apartment I was renting and had to move back home (AGAIN) and by the time July rolled around I was once again laid off and frustrated.  I was holding steady at 270 lbs but not losing any more.

By August I'd moved two states away, gotten a new job, gotten back into college, and moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.

Things were going okay.  I got down to 265 lbs and then I lost my job due to an injury and my employer getting nervous about my knee.  I was relegated to a desk job (I was working for a temp agency and their insurance was nervous) and then in 2008 I broke my leg.

By the time I got married in July of 2008, I'd gained back all 70 lbs and then some.  I was a bride who weighed in at around 365.  I'd tried more meal-replacement bars because I'd discovered that Slim-fast has HFCS in their ready-to-eat/drink products.  I'd tried Special K, South Beach.  Still couldn't lose any weight.

I cannot look at my wedding photos and not feel ashamed at how gross I look.  My friends have described me as happy, glowing, and radiant.  I look at them and all I can see is fat, disgusting, and ridiculous.

And of course, I've had more falls, more injury, more illness.  I was hospitalized in 2009 twice.  Once with dehydration and the other with pneumonia.  Both of which knocked me on my butt for weeks with only having enough strength to read a book.  Pain became my constant companion somewhere around the end of 2008 and hasn't left me yet.  More knee injuries had me barely able to walk with a walker in summer of 2010.

I have since been bullied about doing Weight Watchers at work. (which I can't afford and hate anyway), seen dietitians who made me track everything like eating was now homework and when I didn't have time to do it made me feel ashamed and guilty and like I didn't really want to lose the weight and scared me with "You need to do this now or you are going to die.  College can wait." 

I saw doctors who told me that the reason I have pain everywhere is because I'm fat.  If I got lap-band surgery it would all just go away! Promise! (and how would I afford that, not having had health insurance for 10 years now?) Even though I wasn't eating any more than 1800-2000 calories a day and in too much pain to exercise.  I would be sitting at work and have random pain in my arm, or my shoulder.  I'd wake up in the middle of the night with pain shooting down my back for no apparent reason when I went to bed with just mild aches.  On my best of days I'm a  4 on the 1-10 pain scale.  But of course, nothing was wrong with me that dieting and exercise wouldn't fix.

I have since been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explains a lot of the random pain I've had for the last 2 years.  Along with the fatigue and brain-fog and other random symptoms.

Then I stepped on the scale on Jan 7th for the first time in 2011 and wanted to die.  I was getting worse.  I was trying to eat healthy.  I was trying to figure out how to exercise with minimal pain that wouldn't leave me broke...and I was getting worse.  I weighed 399.

I have since gone back on Slim-Fast.  It's not a great option, but it did partially work in the past.  Since then I've lost about 14 pounds.  (Though according to the doctor's office I've only lost 8.)

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just muddling through.

More to come.